Dear Flowers of the world,
After all that conviction in the previous post, I’ve finally decided to write a post. Hahaha. I guess it takes a lot of mixed feelings and other feels to get motivated to write something.
Background story: I’ve had a 3 months long summer break and because I didn’t want to waste my life rotting my brain from k-dramas, manga, anime blah blah blah, your truly have decided to join my schools wind symphony. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d be joining the wind symposium again for the rest of my life after 6 years but well, look where I’m at -_- I guess I was enticed by the fact that they were going Europe (specially Netherlands) for a Band Competition. Sigh, Netherlands sounds too good for me. I was initially pretty hesitant cause I’ve not touched my saxophone for a year and in musician time, that is very long. One year can simply make one super rusty and my rhythm was all out of place. However, I decided that I was going to work hard and hopefully my efforts will add up after 3 months before we fly off for the competition. Furthermore, they were in need for sax players so why not right? Hahaha.
Now, 3 months has passed. I’ve just ended my last practice before flying off (which will be in 3 days time). I’m having so many mixed feelings now because:
- It’s the last practice before flying off and as much effort I’ve placed in, I’ll never feel fully prepared.
- I totally screwed up this practice.
I think it’s normal for anyone to feel like 1, but oh my mamalalashakalala. 2 makes me feel TERRIBLE.
- I got darting glare from my section leader and president.
- In some way, for people who knew, I just hope they don’t lose they confidence in the band just because a tenor sax player screwed up.
- (Important) I wouldn’t mind if my mistakes affected me but playing in a band is a teamwork thing. My mistakes are going to affect others and I do not feel good about this at all.
- (Important) I hated myself that moment. I’ve worked so hard not to screw up my parts but I let my feeling, nerves and emotions get the better of me and screwed things up.
Yes, I may seem to be a little to over emotional and dramatic for a last practice but that’s how I am when I dedicate(‘dedicate’ does not seem to be the right word to use but whatever, hopefully you’ll get my drift) myself to do something. I’ve got to do this right. I hate letting people down and especially myself.
Penning (more like typing but whatever) all this down, I just want to clear all my thoughts and bring about a new flow of determination, motivation and confidence. I’m thankful this isn’t the real deal. I still have the chance to make up for my mistake and hopefully not let anyone down. Sidenote: my prez cried while giving his speech at the end and that made me feel even more terrible crap.
Gosh. I’m so nervous for this competition. I don’t need to win. I just don’t want this to be a bad experience and ruin my confidence in playing in the future. While spending these 3 months practicing, I’ve met so many inspirational people. I lost my interest and drive to make music for over a year and talking to these people (special mention to one of my section mate), I just want to push myself back into some sort of music scene. Somewhere deep within me I know I would love to confidently play on my saxophone again. The courage within me is slowly being pulled out but it will first take the confidence in the upcoming competition for me to be firm on my resolution.
Whew. I see I too can be reflective at times. Hahaha.